DO YOU HAVE JARGONITIS?!

There's an epidemic raging in grocery stores and wine shops across the country. It's called "Jargonitis." It strikes unexpectedly and paralyzes its victims, rendering them incapable of making a wine selection. Often those suffering from Jargonitis have glazed eyes, slack mouths and are unresponsive to questions like, "May I help you?"–much like zombies.

Our team has been working round-the-clock to pinpoint the cause and come up with preventive measures to protect you. However, it may already be too late. Take this timely quiz to find out if you have Jargonitis and what you can do about it. Ready? Begin!

1. Standing in the wine aisle, I feel:

Dazed and confused (but not in a good, Led Zeppelin kind of way).
Smug–I'm practically a sommelier.
Bored. I prefer drinks with umbrellas that make me want to do embarrassing dances in public.
       Macarena, anyone?

2. Which of the following is the best score?

B+
91
10
Touchdown!
I have no idea. Are we being graded on this?

3. The sight of a yellow kangaroo on aisle 3 makes you feel:

Jumpy. What's he got in his pocket?
Lost–I thought I was at the back of the store, not in the outback.
Sneezy. I think I'm allergic to yellow.
All of the above

4. What's more important to you:

Buying expensive wines to impress your friends.
Drinking delicious wines to impress yourself.

5. Which of the following words does not describe something to do with wine?

Bung hole
Thief
Riddler
Plonk
Are you kidding?

6. When it comes to choosing a bottle of wine, what's more important?

What's on the bottle.
What's in the bottle.

7. What behavior is considered to be appropriate at a wine tasting?

Cursing
Spitting
Playing air guitar
Asking for a 'brewski'

8. True or false: Screwcaps are cool.

True–Corkscrews are so old school. Besides, screwcaps keep wine tasting fresh.
False–death to screwcaps, and plastic corks, too. Real cork smells like victory!